time to dust off my neglected blog and write. am frustrated beyond words because the girlfriend is going through the umpteenth depression bout. the past couple of months had been rough.
discovered she used the funds in our joint account to feed her poker habit. of course there were other accumulative incidents but betraying that trust was the straw that broke the camel’s back. i couldn’t face her for quite some time. but that passed.
for someone who’s escaped the war, had a hard childhood you’d think prudence would be like a second skin, resilience worn close to the heart but i guess things aren’t always in monochrome. or even logical when your cognitive and formative years were shaped by a guardian who has no inkling of safety and love. I love her so very much yet I feel so sorry and exasperated with her. affection and loathing in one breath. my stomach hurts, i’m such a monster.
now that she has slipped into depression again and in a lot of physical pain, it made me seethe because i felt robbed of my right to hurt and be angry with her because of her delicate state. my heart and thoughts have been a ball of lead thudding clumsily at every turn.
my puppy is sick, a perpetual aching pain holds my lower back hostage and let’s not mention work.
fucking upset doesn’t even cut it because everything is senseless. no matter how much i try to help make things better, it just blows up in my fucking face. i am not going to try anymore. daddy God, it’s all in Your hands now. you made mine small so that they will fit into Yours. lead me and i will follow.
i am a human being, not a human doing.
listening to kids screaming upstairs in this infernal heat gratefulness arose within. yes i have a shitload of problems, really a shitload. but i can feel the humidity sticking to my skin, hear the piercing shrieks and not worry where i am going to sleep when i need to. i am alive.
that means a new day is dawning. and it’s up to me to make it fucking awesome in my own way. i intend to celebrate every victory, tiny or small. from having breath in my body to not smacking my obtuse boss, i conquer each day my way.