happy birthday

i woke up this morning and i turned 42. no freaking way, 42? who? me? it was either my brain was still fogged with sleep or denial but FORTY TWO? when did i become so old? where did the time go? i felt rather betrayed by myself. even on my birthday, self mockery is not beyond me.

coming back to old…i don’t know how one should feel at 42…accomplished? confident? wise? secure? none of that resonated with me. truth to be told, i didn’t feel any different. there was still a deep sense of indescribable ache and emptiness in the recesses of my being. or it may well be that i was hungry. such things are tricky at quarter to six in the morning.

this started out as some reminiscing, oh i look back and reflect kinda post but nah screw it, i am just banging out what comes to mind.

the year was nothing out of the ordinary – shit times and breakthroughs, nothing new right? everyone’s entitled to their fair share of problems, why should i be exempt? for a large part of the time, it felt like a cross between Groundhog day and Castaway. i felt like Tom Hanks trapped in a carousel of more problems than i thought i could manage. and my Wilson was my long suffering pup. the poor girl…it’s a wonder she’s not schizophrenic by now.

searching for a job for close to a year (compounded by an &#(#@*! two faced boss who tried to make things more difficult at every turn), house refinancing, the pup’s and my own health, a long distance relationship. it was seriously a drag. before anyone jumps out and tell me there are starving people, war torn countries and diseases waiting to be cured – i know. i know i magnified my problems and lost sight of everything else. hey i am not perfect, just terribly short sighted with lazy eyes and astigmatism. my problems became monsters and with astig, it’s not difficult to cast more shadows over an already grim situation.

don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of humor. i just have problems laughing at the situations i find myself in. i’m almost certain i have an extra valve in my heart that leads directly to explosive reactions and epic sarcasm. in hobbit doses they can be rather amusing. many people including the girlfriend doesn’t think so.

the girlfriend and i fight. which couple doesn’t? oh there is one…they were together for 20 years…no apocalyptical fights like some of those i have with the girlfriend…and they broke up recently. aptly named the break up of the century, we both agree that if they had made an effort to thrash things out like us, they probably wouldn’t have gone separate ways and in the most shocking manner.

there are times i wished the girlfriend is more lovey dovey, more romantic, pays attention to details but she isn’t and she doesn’t. sigh much. are long distance relationships that difficult or am i the problem? how can two people who love each other and in love want to snap each other’s neck? because i can be one hell of a stubborn person. well the girlfriend too. at the end of the day, i guess it stems from what my wise friend Joyce said “perhaps i need to find out what deeper feelings am i masking with anger.” and as usual (don’t you hate it when you have a friend who IS ALWAYS right?) she hit the nail on the head – i feel my self worth challenged.  that warrants a lengthy post by itself. jeez, issues much janey?

the point is, i love my girlfriend to bits. she has the kindest and goofiest heart, she says things like “i know who are the Fantastic Four” when i asked if she read some of my favourite books like The Famous Five…priceless isn’t it? she is brilliant in her work, i am so proud of her capabilities but why is it that sometimes i feel she’s a familiar stranger who barely knows the first thing about me? time and distance apart does take its cruel toll. it is beyond shit to be apart. let me tell you about the visa application the next time.

but yeah, so many of our arguments and insistence on things arose from our (at least mine) need to somehow prove that we should be loved for who we are even when we are at our most unlovable. insanity isn’t it. but that’s human i believe. and i learn. i hope we all do. love may be a many splendored thing but it’s also a like a freaking complicated woman who you just want to choke with your bare hands till it surrenders in exasperation.

of course most things that were haunting me like my personal rain cloud were resolved eventually.  through it all, i know without a shadow of doubt it is not by my smarts or good luck that my path was cleared during critical moments, it was my Daddy God’s goodness, His grace and love for me that directed my steps, pulled me back when i veered off course and needless to say gave my thick skull a major poke when i was determined to be a brat. like how again wise Joyce says, ‘we are all works in progress’, i’d like to think i am getting better, stronger, wiser, quicker and braver to let God lead me.

see what i meant by me not feeling at all 42? how did i end up rambling with the attention span of a 5 year old, flitting here and there like a 16 year old and weariness of a 50 year old…from time to time my mom still tells me to act my age. colleagues and friends are sometimes baffled that i still like plush toys and cute stuff. what can i say, i’m 42, looks like 30, feel like 24 and sometimes behave like 12. there we go, i am a bag of contradiction that defies logic yet crave order and symmetry.

if there’s one lesson i’d etch into my being would be to treasure and be grateful for what i have, learn and remind self to be content each day, to look away whenever me, myself and i rears its ugly head because nothing makes you a scarier person than ego, learn to let things and feelings pass faster and come back into the now – where the people i love matter.

bring it on 43.